Look...I Have Hair...

I have gone from this in May:



To this as of last week:



When I think of what has always made me "me", it has always been my hair, and my smile. Chemo made me lose my hair, and thanks to a handy surgeon with a happy hand, my smile is now crooked. This has made me re-evaluate what is truly me. What is on the inside is so much more precious than what would ever be on the outside. I try to push people away who are interested in me, because of my lack of hair, and feeling insecure about my newly "crooked" smile.

Then, who knew that a cashier at Walgreens could help me put things into perspective? She looked at me and said "Your hair is really inspiring. What made you cut it all off?" - I told her that I HAD Cancer, and that it was just now growing back. She asked me to listed to the song "I Am Not My Hair" by India.Arie, and these lyrics really hit home:

"...Cancer and Chemotherapy
Took away her crown and glory
She promised God if she was to survive
She would enjoy everyday of her life...

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am a soul that lives within"

Words to live by, for sure.

So It Begins...

Real Life.

Not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm slowly getting into the "Job Interviewing" thing. Had a couple - have gone really well. I've decided to be upfront with prospective employers about my health status - and I have found that their jaws drop...the response is always the same "You look so healthy". Now in all my years of perfecting singing & acting, there has never been a better compliment to me than that. So perhaps my outlook on life because of Cancer is totally changing - for the better!

I got my Stella Kitty back...she is deliriously happy to be back with Mommy (she's the best kisser in the world):


She has been a source of joy & healing for me. I didn't realize how much I've missed her. She's like my "Kid" that I never have been able to have.

As a part of the job hunting thing, I have perfected my Wig...I think. I've gotten it to look like "me"...and very professional looking:


It feels so funny to look in the mirror and see me with "hair"...since losing it, I've gone with the hats/bandanas, and it really does wonders for my self-esteem to put on make-up, and really feel like "me" again, and not "Cancer Girl". I went through a stage where I believed that nobody would want to date me, because of my health status, and lack of hair...but I'm starting to get back to the real me, who knows that I'm semi-attractive, and that someone will care/love me again from the inside-out. See...I'm not that bad looking...even WITHOUT hair:


I've started working on a few shows...behind-the-scenes, of course...just to try & prove to people that I'm up to it. It's great to be social again. And the shows are really cool, and the people are amazing to work with.

So hopefully by my next posting, I will have a job...and maybe be doing some stuff on-stage. I sang for the first time publicly (sans Karaoke...which doesn't count), to great feedback. So maybe I'll get back into the swing of things...and hopefully find a good voice teacher to help me with some of the notes that I've lost due to Chemo (it affected my vocal chords a bit). But I've found that since the Cancer, that I've been putting more emphasis on the lyrics than sounding "perfect" (well, as perfect as I can). So many vocal teachers & directors (well, one inparticular, whom I greatly respect) have been trying to tell me that it isn't about sounding perfect...but to "feel" the song (and not put my hands on my hips!)...and I've finally gotten it. Shit, I wish I would have realized this before putting my body through hell!

To sum it up, I'm doing pretty well. Getting better by the day. Still really tired all of the time, but that too is getting better.

Besos,
Kimmy

Where to Go From Here...

I'm kind of at a crossroads in my life. I'm not quite sure where to go from here.

Work, yes. Theater, of course.


I think about being in the hospital a lot. My memories are starting to come back, and it really puts me in a melancholy state. Perhaps this is why they prescribed Ativan :)

I've been stuck in the Cornfields of Central Illinois for the past month, and I never thought I'd say this...but...I really miss Little Rock. And the friends that I've sort of ignored while going through Chemo.

I miss singing...I miss performing. It's been a year since I've been onstage (actually by my own volition until February).

The one good thing that's come out of the Chemo thing (in my opinion...NOT my doc's) is that I've lost over 50 lbs. - the first time in YEARS that I feel decent about my looks...except for the whole "no hair" thing.

Ick. I need to get over myself.

...Remission Happiness!

Sorry for the delay, y'all.

It's been a rough couple of months (4 to be exact).

Here was the deal, after numerous biopsies and a PET Scan, they found out that I had multiple hypermetabolic nodes in the left cervical, bilateral axillary regions. Also, multiple large masses and nodal conglomerates were noted in the abdomen and pelvis. There was involvement in the L1 & L2 vertebrae, and the left ilium. Foci was noted in my spleen, which was also enlarged.

Friggin' scary, no? So immediately after I had the diagnosis of Diffuse Large B Cell Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, I was finally able to start Chemotherapy. To be honest, the past four months has been a bit of a blur - lots of puking, not a lot of eating. LOTS of pain meds.

After 6 rounds (one round every 21 days), I had another PET Scan, and they found out that the Cancer is completely GONE. Nada. Just some bone deterioration from the tumors in my bone marrow (in my vertebrae and hip).

Whoo-hoo!!! I'm just having one more Chemo Treatment on Thursday "to be on the safe side". I would soooo much rather have one more treatment, and make sure we got it all than have to go through another 6-8 rounds in 6 months.

Medical Madness

So, for the last week & 1/2, I have had this horribly swollen leg. When talking to my people, they seemed to think that I had a blood clot.

So on Saturday one of my best friends took me to the ER. Unfortunately, the UltraSound department (Vascular Lab) was closed on the weekend. So, they gave me a script for Vicodin & 3 shots of blood thinners, so I could come back & get the Ultra Sound on Monday morning.

While getting the US (by myself), the technician told me that she didn't see any clots, which was a HUGE relief for me. Until she said "I have something on the report that I need for you to take down to the ER".

I opened the report & it said "There seems to be an obstruction in the Vena Cava, or Iliac Blood Vessel". Weird.

I get back to the ER, and the doctor tells me that they need to do a CT scan of my hip area, as they believed that there was a blood clot higher up than where the Ultra Sound was able to determine. Cool, right?

So, he gives me two percocet, and puts in an IV for the CT scan, so the blood vessles/veins/arteries will show up. I go, and come back really quickly. But I notice that the CT scan keeps going back to my pelvis reigon. Strange, but I was pretty stoned, so I didn't think anything of it.

About 3 hours later, the doctor walks in looking really worried. He says "I hate to bring this really bad news. You have a large mass on your pelvis, and it's looking like a lymphoma or some other kind of blood cancer".

CANCER??? I'm 33. This isn't supposed to happen to me...not now.

But it has. They immediately admit me as an inpatient, the very next day they do a PET Scan, which actualy is a very cool tool that they are able to "cut up" the image, like you would do in a biopsy. From there, they were able to confirm that it is lymphoma.

I have biopsies tomorrow on my bone marrow & Lymph Nodes to see if it's non-Hodgkins or Hodgkins Lymphoma (I'm feverently hoping for non - it's a lot easier to treat, and a much higher survival rate).

I wish to thank EVERYONE for their well-wishes, love, and support. This is a pretty rough time for me, and you all are the best friends a girl could ever have.

Specifically, big thanks to my Mom & Dad, my sister Katie Spoon, Michael Brown, Danette Perry, Regi & Jeremy Bragg for going above & beyond the call of duty.

Love you all.

When Life Hands You a Curveball...

...Fucking hit it back, I guess is the moral of this story.

I was laid off Monday. For no fault of my own, for once. The economy. Blech.

So, I'd been going back & forth when/if I should move back to Little Rock for about the past 6 months or so. Now it is definite. I am moving into the "Gay Trucker's" house. $400/month, all-inclusive - and tons of privacy.

It's a little melancholy. I was hoping that I had changed enough that I could move back here, and make a good life for myself. But I've never been happy here. I don't think it's this town, per se, but my frame of mind while I'm here.

Being 500 miles away gives me a real sense of independance, and as much as I do love the theater scene here...I feel more comforable in Little Rock as an artist.


So, I'm moving December 29th. The day after I turn 33.

Weird Times to Be Had By All

I'm not listening to the weather forecast. Ever again.

I just bought 3 scrumptous, long cable knit sweaters. One in Navy Blue, one in oatmeal, and the other in gray/black. Yay!

Nooo...the weatherman told me that it was supposed to be cold & snowy today.

Thanks...but it's like 60 degrees and humid as hell. Ick. I'm sweating :)