Saturday, December 26, 2009

Whoops!

Here are some pics of the new 'do:

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Something's Coming....

A new look for me :)

I dyed my hair tonight...pics to come tomorrow...try & control your excitement :)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Where I'm Headed




I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and when I went in to get my blood drawn, and vitals - the nurse who told me to go to the ER immediately, said "You threw us all through a loop, Ms. Kim". Hell, I threw myself through a loop. Never in my wildest imagination did I honestly believe that the cancer would come back. I was absolutely positive that I was cured, and just thought that I had a blood clot, which is a little scary itself.

My chauffeur(because my dumb butt left my keys in Illinois - and am waiting for them to arrive in the mail), MB took me there today, and was a really good support system. My oncologist came in, and said "I am so sorry that tumor has come back". I mean, what am I supposed to say? It isn't her fault. My Bone Marrow Biopsy, PET and CAT Scans has all been coming back clear since July. I didn't stop taking Chemo until August, but I guess technically I had been in remission for only five months. I knew that this type of NHL was aggressive, and that your doctor would watch you like a hawk for the first 2 years of your remission. I was getting CT and PET scans every three months. I my last clear scan in Mid-October, and the tumor grew from sometime between Halloween until December 7th. And 10cm x 10cm, too! But how could she anticipate it coming back so fast? My flow cytometry test when I was in the hospital showed that it was unlikely that it would come back.

So, she decided upon Chemotherapy beginning December 29th, a day after I turn 24. I have to do it on an inpatient basis, and I'm not positive, but I believe that it is a more aggressive type of Chemo, to shrink the tumor, because my oncologist wants me to have a bone marrow transplant.

So, it isn't the tumor that's breaking down the bone. It is cancer in the bone marrow again. The tumor has caused both my left hip joint to widen has done damage to the muscle. That, and combined with my left leg still being incredibly swollen, has caused me to be extremely uncomfortable. The hospital in Illinois had me on Morphine in the hospital, and then prescribed Norco when I was released, which is a stronger form of Vicodin which really didn't help all that much. So my oncologist prescribed both Percocet (Oxycodone and Tylenol) AND Oxycontin.

I have a crazy day on Friday. A bone marrow biopsy first thing in the morning, then a cardiac test, and finally a PET scan. I figure she must be concerned if she's already scheduling the treatment before having these results. Now they did do a CT Scan in Illinois last week, but a PET Scan will determine quite a bit, and the bone marrow to see if it is Stage IV. Which from the CT Scan, it shows that the bone marrow in the hip is highly involved.

I'm convinced to kick this thing where it hurts, and until I start treatments, I am not about to sit idly by. I'm going to a play on Saturday night, and on Tuesday night I am throwing myself a party at a Piano Bar to sing publicly and have a couple of drinks for the last time in at least six months. Diva-ish, oh probably. But I really want to thank the people who have been so supportive of me publicly. It's amazing to not be from somewhere, and have such a strong support system.

Since I'm really too sick to travel home for Christmas, I am going to one of my best friend's house for a SOUTHERN Christmas meal. My first ever. I'm so psyched! I've only ever had the Hepworth version of a Christmas dinner. Rib Roast, twice baked potatoes, Broccoli, Fruit Salad, Sauteed mushrooms, and usually some kind of fruit pie for dessert.

And after that, it's getting ready to go into the hospital for however long.

For some reason, although I feel like my body is giving out most of the time, I'm in really good spirits. Maybe its the pain pills, or anti-depressants that I'm on, but I think its mainly because I know what Chemo entails, and I'm more prepared this time to fight.

And fight I will. No matter how long it takes.

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Me & Stella Kitty Re-Bonding

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Enjoying my hair while I can!

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Here I was, all ready to take the world by storm again - and this beast comes in to rear its ugly head. And so soon. I've only been in remission for FOUR FREAKING MONTHS...give me a break!

My leg became swollen yesterday morning, and instead of freaking out, I thought it was just hormones or something, so I kept it elevated for nearly 24 hours, and was almost positive that it would go down. It didn't. It kept swelling.

So I called my oncologist first thing this morning and explained that I was out of town, and would she rather me wait to see her when I got in town, or go to the ER here in Springfield - they said go to the ER ASAP to get a Doppler (Ultra Sound) and "other tests". I knew with the Doppler that they were worried about a blood clot, which is quite common with people who have had Lymphoma. They didn't need to tell me what they meant by "Other Tests". They meant cancer tests.

So I did both. Luckily, my sister was with me. You know it's REALLY not a good sign when the doctor begins by saying "I don't have good news". I figured it was a blood clot. Which is scary within itself, but doable. Not me. They found a mass on my pelvis, which is 10cm (which is very large for a mass), and destroying part of the bone which its resting on. AND I have a blood clot.

Here I am in the hospital, on IV Heparin (blood thinner), and preparing for tomorrow. My oncologist is supposed to be talking with an oncologist here to talk about what we are to do. I have to be stable before I can travel back to Little Rock to begin treatment, so it's a real possibility that I'll start Chemo here, and then finish up in Little Rock. All the while preparing for a Stem Cell Transplant.

Man. I thought I was done. Looks like I've got another long road ahead of me. But you had best believe, I'll kick its ass for the 2nd time.

Friday, December 04, 2009

What Have I Been Up To?

Well, it's been a roller coaster of a month. Sort of.

The past 9 months I guess I have been a bit in a haze. Pharmaceutically speaking, anyways. From February 28th until about 3 weeks ago, I have been perpetually in a haze due to beginning with Vicodin, increasing to Percocet and Ativan when I was admitted into the hospital on March 1st, and then changing to Oxycodone (since I was prohibited from taking any sort of NSAIDS (Tylenol, Aleve, or Ibuprofen) and Ativan, and then adding Companzine (Prochlor) and Zofran when I was going through Chemo in Mid-March through mid-August. I stopped taking all but the Ativan & Oxycodone until October, so I have been completely "sober" since then.

So I am sure that not only did this haze I was in was part of the reason why I am feeling a bit strange this past month. As of December 1st, it has been exactly 9 months since I heard my diagnosis. I am realizing what a really scary thing that it was just now. I believe that when someone is honestly really faced with their own mortality, you are truly presented with choice of "fight or flight", and obviously chose to fight. I wasn't sure at the time, but the cancer was really a further more advanced than I once thought, or maybe I knew and my mind just couldn't process that information at that time, for my own sanity.

So, like a lot of people who have had to use this Superwoman kind of adrenaline to fight such a beastly of disease, when I was put in remission I was honestly kind of let down. I had used up all of this energy and now I have no where in which to place it. I was mentally ready to take the world by storm once again, and my body was so not ready for that. Eight rounds of chemo really does crazy things to your body. I thought I was prepared for it. And no matter how many people tell you how bad it is, even when you watch someone go through it - believe me, it's 10 times worse than you could imagine. I watched my mom go through it 20 years ago, so I thought I knew. Man, I did not. When my mom dropped me off at home before my first treatment started, she told me that if given the choice between open heart surgery and chemo, she would choose heart surgery. It was honestly the absolute worst best thing that I ever went through in my life.

Sobering up, and then actually have to deal emotionally with things that you have basically been sleepwalking through is quite a feat. With some survivors, you develop a bit of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am remembering things in flashes that I have slept through since March. It is all a bit surreal. I am on Celexa now, for the depression - and I think it's really helped a lot. But this week for some reason I've been remembering a lot more, and more vividly as well. A truly scary thing.

I was doing incredibly well - I helped out backstage with a wonderful and moving production at the Weekend Theater in Little Rock, and then I actually was dealt two curve balls in my life that really tested me emotionally, and I think that I handled them quite well. I think the one great lesson that I have learned is that some things now just seem incredibly insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

So, I'm surviving. A survivor. I think that of all things is what I am most greatful for this holiday season.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Look...I Have Hair...

I have gone from this in May:

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To this as of last week:

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When I think of what has always made me "me", it has always been my hair, and my smile. Chemo made me lose my hair, and thanks to a handy surgeon with a happy hand, my smile is now crooked. This has made me re-evaluate what is truly me. What is on the inside is so much more precious than what would ever be on the outside. I try to push people away who are interested in me, because of my lack of hair, and feeling insecure about my newly "crooked" smile.

Then, who knew that a cashier at Walgreens could help me put things into perspective? She looked at me and said "Your hair is really inspiring. What made you cut it all off?" - I told her that I HAD Cancer, and that it was just now growing back. She asked me to listed to the song "I Am Not My Hair" by India.Arie, and these lyrics really hit home:

"...Cancer and Chemotherapy
Took away her crown and glory
She promised God if she was to survive
She would enjoy everyday of her life...

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am not your expectations no no
I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am a soul that lives within"

Words to live by, for sure.

Monday, October 05, 2009

So It Begins...

Real Life.

Not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm slowly getting into the "Job Interviewing" thing. Had a couple - have gone really well. I've decided to be upfront with prospective employers about my health status - and I have found that their jaws drop...the response is always the same "You look so healthy". Now in all my years of perfecting singing & acting, there has never been a better compliment to me than that. So perhaps my outlook on life because of Cancer is totally changing - for the better!

I got my Stella Kitty back...she is deliriously happy to be back with Mommy (she's the best kisser in the world):
Stella Loves Her Mommy

She has been a source of joy & healing for me. I didn't realize how much I've missed her. She's like my "Kid" that I never have been able to have.

As a part of the job hunting thing, I have perfected my Wig...I think. I've gotten it to look like "me"...and very professional looking:
Perfecting the Wig

It feels so funny to look in the mirror and see me with "hair"...since losing it, I've gone with the hats/bandanas, and it really does wonders for my self-esteem to put on make-up, and really feel like "me" again, and not "Cancer Girl". I went through a stage where I believed that nobody would want to date me, because of my health status, and lack of hair...but I'm starting to get back to the real me, who knows that I'm semi-attractive, and that someone will care/love me again from the inside-out. See...I'm not that bad looking...even WITHOUT hair:
Without Hair

I've started working on a few shows...behind-the-scenes, of course...just to try & prove to people that I'm up to it. It's great to be social again. And the shows are really cool, and the people are amazing to work with.

So hopefully by my next posting, I will have a job...and maybe be doing some stuff on-stage. I sang for the first time publicly (sans Karaoke...which doesn't count), to great feedback. So maybe I'll get back into the swing of things...and hopefully find a good voice teacher to help me with some of the notes that I've lost due to Chemo (it affected my vocal chords a bit). But I've found that since the Cancer, that I've been putting more emphasis on the lyrics than sounding "perfect" (well, as perfect as I can). So many vocal teachers & directors (well, one inparticular, whom I greatly respect) have been trying to tell me that it isn't about sounding perfect...but to "feel" the song (and not put my hands on my hips!)...and I've finally gotten it. Shit, I wish I would have realized this before putting my body through hell!

To sum it up, I'm doing pretty well. Getting better by the day. Still really tired all of the time, but that too is getting better.

Besos,
Kimmy

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Where to Go From Here...

I'm kind of at a crossroads in my life. I'm not quite sure where to go from here.

Work, yes. Theater, of course.


I think about being in the hospital a lot. My memories are starting to come back, and it really puts me in a melancholy state. Perhaps this is why they prescribed Ativan :)

I've been stuck in the Cornfields of Central Illinois for the past month, and I never thought I'd say this...but...I really miss Little Rock. And the friends that I've sort of ignored while going through Chemo.

I miss singing...I miss performing. It's been a year since I've been onstage (actually by my own volition until February).

The one good thing that's come out of the Chemo thing (in my opinion...NOT my doc's) is that I've lost over 50 lbs. - the first time in YEARS that I feel decent about my looks...except for the whole "no hair" thing.

Ick. I need to get over myself.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

...Remission Happiness!

Sorry for the delay, y'all.

It's been a rough couple of months (4 to be exact).

Here was the deal, after numerous biopsies and a PET Scan, they found out that I had multiple hypermetabolic nodes in the left cervical, bilateral axillary regions. Also, multiple large masses and nodal conglomerates were noted in the abdomen and pelvis. There was involvement in the L1 & L2 vertebrae, and the left ilium. Foci was noted in my spleen, which was also enlarged.

Friggin' scary, no? So immediately after I had the diagnosis of Diffuse Large B Cell Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, I was finally able to start Chemotherapy. To be honest, the past four months has been a bit of a blur - lots of puking, not a lot of eating. LOTS of pain meds.

After 6 rounds (one round every 21 days), I had another PET Scan, and they found out that the Cancer is completely GONE. Nada. Just some bone deterioration from the tumors in my bone marrow (in my vertebrae and hip).

Whoo-hoo!!! I'm just having one more Chemo Treatment on Thursday "to be on the safe side". I would soooo much rather have one more treatment, and make sure we got it all than have to go through another 6-8 rounds in 6 months.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Medical Madness

So, for the last week & 1/2, I have had this horribly swollen leg. When talking to my people, they seemed to think that I had a blood clot.

So on Saturday one of my best friends took me to the ER. Unfortunately, the UltraSound department (Vascular Lab) was closed on the weekend. So, they gave me a script for Vicodin & 3 shots of blood thinners, so I could come back & get the Ultra Sound on Monday morning.

While getting the US (by myself), the technician told me that she didn't see any clots, which was a HUGE relief for me. Until she said "I have something on the report that I need for you to take down to the ER".

I opened the report & it said "There seems to be an obstruction in the Vena Cava, or Iliac Blood Vessel". Weird.

I get back to the ER, and the doctor tells me that they need to do a CT scan of my hip area, as they believed that there was a blood clot higher up than where the Ultra Sound was able to determine. Cool, right?

So, he gives me two percocet, and puts in an IV for the CT scan, so the blood vessles/veins/arteries will show up. I go, and come back really quickly. But I notice that the CT scan keeps going back to my pelvis reigon. Strange, but I was pretty stoned, so I didn't think anything of it.

About 3 hours later, the doctor walks in looking really worried. He says "I hate to bring this really bad news. You have a large mass on your pelvis, and it's looking like a lymphoma or some other kind of blood cancer".

CANCER??? I'm 33. This isn't supposed to happen to me...not now.

But it has. They immediately admit me as an inpatient, the very next day they do a PET Scan, which actualy is a very cool tool that they are able to "cut up" the image, like you would do in a biopsy. From there, they were able to confirm that it is lymphoma.

I have biopsies tomorrow on my bone marrow & Lymph Nodes to see if it's non-Hodgkins or Hodgkins Lymphoma (I'm feverently hoping for non - it's a lot easier to treat, and a much higher survival rate).

I wish to thank EVERYONE for their well-wishes, love, and support. This is a pretty rough time for me, and you all are the best friends a girl could ever have.

Specifically, big thanks to my Mom & Dad, my sister Katie Spoon, Michael Brown, Danette Perry, Regi & Jeremy Bragg for going above & beyond the call of duty.

Love you all.