What Have I Been Up To?

Well, it's been a roller coaster of a month. Sort of.

The past 9 months I guess I have been a bit in a haze. Pharmaceutically speaking, anyways. From February 28th until about 3 weeks ago, I have been perpetually in a haze due to beginning with Vicodin, increasing to Percocet and Ativan when I was admitted into the hospital on March 1st, and then changing to Oxycodone (since I was prohibited from taking any sort of NSAIDS (Tylenol, Aleve, or Ibuprofen) and Ativan, and then adding Companzine (Prochlor) and Zofran when I was going through Chemo in Mid-March through mid-August. I stopped taking all but the Ativan & Oxycodone until October, so I have been completely "sober" since then.

So I am sure that not only did this haze I was in was part of the reason why I am feeling a bit strange this past month. As of December 1st, it has been exactly 9 months since I heard my diagnosis. I am realizing what a really scary thing that it was just now. I believe that when someone is honestly really faced with their own mortality, you are truly presented with choice of "fight or flight", and obviously chose to fight. I wasn't sure at the time, but the cancer was really a further more advanced than I once thought, or maybe I knew and my mind just couldn't process that information at that time, for my own sanity.

So, like a lot of people who have had to use this Superwoman kind of adrenaline to fight such a beastly of disease, when I was put in remission I was honestly kind of let down. I had used up all of this energy and now I have no where in which to place it. I was mentally ready to take the world by storm once again, and my body was so not ready for that. Eight rounds of chemo really does crazy things to your body. I thought I was prepared for it. And no matter how many people tell you how bad it is, even when you watch someone go through it - believe me, it's 10 times worse than you could imagine. I watched my mom go through it 20 years ago, so I thought I knew. Man, I did not. When my mom dropped me off at home before my first treatment started, she told me that if given the choice between open heart surgery and chemo, she would choose heart surgery. It was honestly the absolute worst best thing that I ever went through in my life.

Sobering up, and then actually have to deal emotionally with things that you have basically been sleepwalking through is quite a feat. With some survivors, you develop a bit of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I am remembering things in flashes that I have slept through since March. It is all a bit surreal. I am on Celexa now, for the depression - and I think it's really helped a lot. But this week for some reason I've been remembering a lot more, and more vividly as well. A truly scary thing.

I was doing incredibly well - I helped out backstage with a wonderful and moving production at the Weekend Theater in Little Rock, and then I actually was dealt two curve balls in my life that really tested me emotionally, and I think that I handled them quite well. I think the one great lesson that I have learned is that some things now just seem incredibly insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

So, I'm surviving. A survivor. I think that of all things is what I am most greatful for this holiday season.