Where I'm Headed

I had a doctor's appointment this morning, and when I went in to get my blood drawn, and vitals - the nurse who told me to go to the ER immediately, said "You threw us all through a loop, Ms. Kim". Hell, I threw myself through a loop. Never in my wildest imagination did I honestly believe that the cancer would come back. I was absolutely positive that I was cured, and just thought that I had a blood clot, which is a little scary itself.

My chauffeur(because my dumb butt left my keys in Illinois - and am waiting for them to arrive in the mail), MB took me there today, and was a really good support system. My oncologist came in, and said "I am so sorry that tumor has come back". I mean, what am I supposed to say? It isn't her fault. My Bone Marrow Biopsy, PET and CAT Scans has all been coming back clear since July. I didn't stop taking Chemo until August, but I guess technically I had been in remission for only five months. I knew that this type of NHL was aggressive, and that your doctor would watch you like a hawk for the first 2 years of your remission. I was getting CT and PET scans every three months. I my last clear scan in Mid-October, and the tumor grew from sometime between Halloween until December 7th. And 10cm x 10cm, too! But how could she anticipate it coming back so fast? My flow cytometry test when I was in the hospital showed that it was unlikely that it would come back.

So, she decided upon Chemotherapy beginning December 29th, a day after I turn 24. I have to do it on an inpatient basis, and I'm not positive, but I believe that it is a more aggressive type of Chemo, to shrink the tumor, because my oncologist wants me to have a bone marrow transplant.

So, it isn't the tumor that's breaking down the bone. It is cancer in the bone marrow again. The tumor has caused both my left hip joint to widen has done damage to the muscle. That, and combined with my left leg still being incredibly swollen, has caused me to be extremely uncomfortable. The hospital in Illinois had me on Morphine in the hospital, and then prescribed Norco when I was released, which is a stronger form of Vicodin which really didn't help all that much. So my oncologist prescribed both Percocet (Oxycodone and Tylenol) AND Oxycontin.

I have a crazy day on Friday. A bone marrow biopsy first thing in the morning, then a cardiac test, and finally a PET scan. I figure she must be concerned if she's already scheduling the treatment before having these results. Now they did do a CT Scan in Illinois last week, but a PET Scan will determine quite a bit, and the bone marrow to see if it is Stage IV. Which from the CT Scan, it shows that the bone marrow in the hip is highly involved.

I'm convinced to kick this thing where it hurts, and until I start treatments, I am not about to sit idly by. I'm going to a play on Saturday night, and on Tuesday night I am throwing myself a party at a Piano Bar to sing publicly and have a couple of drinks for the last time in at least six months. Diva-ish, oh probably. But I really want to thank the people who have been so supportive of me publicly. It's amazing to not be from somewhere, and have such a strong support system.

Since I'm really too sick to travel home for Christmas, I am going to one of my best friend's house for a SOUTHERN Christmas meal. My first ever. I'm so psyched! I've only ever had the Hepworth version of a Christmas dinner. Rib Roast, twice baked potatoes, Broccoli, Fruit Salad, Sauteed mushrooms, and usually some kind of fruit pie for dessert.

And after that, it's getting ready to go into the hospital for however long.

For some reason, although I feel like my body is giving out most of the time, I'm in really good spirits. Maybe its the pain pills, or anti-depressants that I'm on, but I think its mainly because I know what Chemo entails, and I'm more prepared this time to fight.

And fight I will. No matter how long it takes.


Me & Stella Kitty Re-Bonding


Enjoying my hair while I can!